Okay.  So Mr. @Donchiefnerd is back from vacation, and I am inclined to honor his request to write more on Tumblr.  However, everything I have to say sounds pretty self-pitying and silly (read: even though I really like most of you, I’m terrified to open up for fear of being judged/betraying the Twitter persona I’ve erected [hur hur, erected].  But seriously, if you want a great example, check out @Miss_Cook’s work, which has been frankly phenomenal.  Until I’m comfortable putting myself that far out there, prepare for lists like this and possibly an upcoming grilled cheese primer and review of breads.

Here’s a list of language quirks that annoy the hell out of me.

1) At the end of the day / it is what it is: George Carlin (I think.  my corrupted child-memory converts all worthy language-based comedians into George Carlin) used to do a bit about his own language pet-peeves and these were part of it.  Anyway, I never understood the big deal until I befriended a person who uses these phrases in EACH AND EVERY CONVERSATION WE HAVE, AND OH MY GOD SHUT UP.  Or at least say something meaningful, or with a little passion behind it.  ”It is what it is?”  Can’t we say “It is what it isn’t” and play Deconstructionists for a bit?

2) Typing like you’re a goddamn LOLCat. I will never appreciate humor from macros of any sort (o hai tumblr, Bad Decision Wolf or whateverthefuck can haz kidney organ failure plz) and as such, if you are “full of win,” call your pet a “kitteh”, or say “ell oh ell” aloud (occasional passes for irony, but don’t push your luck) Ceiling Cat is watching me hit Unfollow and walk away at a moderate pace. Contact me when your testicles descend.

3) Breaking into a foreign language randomly in the middle of a sentence. First of all, I’d like to point out that I originally typed “in the middle of a sandwich,” which would have been incorrect.  Breaking out into a foreign language randomly in the middle of sandwich is perfectly normal; who hasn’t cried out, “Donde esta la biblioteca!  Mein oncle esta un amo amas amat amamus amatis amant” in the throes of a fine turkey-avocado club with the perfect mayo-to-mustard ratio.

But seriously, stick to one language per sentence.  Preferably, per conversation.  Particularly, if you have to keep translating yourself for your conversation partner’s benefit.  (NOTE: Using English words that are too long or difficult for your conversation partner to understand, so you feel smarter than them, is acceptable, because that’s something I do.) NEXT:

4) Answering a multi-variable question with “Yes.” i.e.

Me: Would you prefer Gouda or Gruyere on your grilled cheese?”

You: (smirking) Yes.

Me: (takes my buttered skillet elsewhere)

(note: this individual is clearly a dangerous sociopath and should be avoided at all costs.  Gouda AND Gruyere on a grilled cheese?  really?)

5) Babbling meaninglessly

OH SHIIIIIIIIII-